WHY SUICIDE?

Ya know most of us we walk thru our everyday lives and don't take the time to appreciate the fact that we are still alive. Regardless of our age, our financial position in life, our health or the lack thereof, our relationship status or what material possessions we have acquired along our journey, whether long or short on this great big sphere that continues to hurl around the sun just like it has for eons before any of us were placed here and just like it will continue when all of us are gone. Life is fragile and always will be, as many families have been forced to see in the past couple of tragic weeks that have taken loved ones of theirs into the beyond never to be seen, yelled at, touched, kissed or ignored again!!

In the virgin weeks of the burgeoning fall that is upon us we as a society have seen four different teen-agers take their own lies by suicide as well as one nationally recognized NFL athlete. Rutgers Freshman Tyler Clementi (18) took his life by jumping off the George Washington Bridge because his roommate had secretly videotaped an intimate moment between he and another male,  Billy Lucas (15) never came out of the closet or hinted that he was interested in or participated in any alternative lifestyle but because his classmates felt that he fit the profile teased him until he went into the family barn, hung a noose and placed the rope around his neck and hung himself because he couldn't take the relentless bashing from his classmates. In yet another senseless emotional beating,  Asher Brown (14) took his life by a self inflicted gunshot because he was thought to be Gay and thus picked on by his mates and Seth Walsh (13) hung himself in a tree in his family home back yard after being bullied by classmates for his sexual preference. Lastly, Denver Broncos Wide Receiver Kenny McKinley (23) took his life by handgun, after being placed on Injured Reserve for a second consecutive year and starting to feel the strain of the move and what it would do to his financial ability to help his family. Five young lives....GONE! Just like that,in the blink of an eye they are gone and are no longer there for abuse, ridicule, jokes, loans, family that needs from them and they feel that they cannot provide! Gone not because they wanted to be, but because others pushed them to the brink of no return. Do you know what that feels like? When you are on that mental-emotional cliff and gravity is pulling you down as you stand on the edge and contemplate that this is the best thing for you and everyone involved? Not many do, but I DO! I have been where these five victims (yes victims) have been and I’m not sure why, other than the grace of God, I am not one of the statistics that they now are!

In 1992 life for me was a very different road. I was uneducated, fresh out of the military with nothing to show but pictures and an Honorable discharge to show that I had been there, a bad attitude, a helluva chip on my shoulder, alot of harbored hate from my childhood and a wild two-year son that I was trying my best to raise as a single parent.  Now, being a single parent was one of the most enduring situations I have ever been a part of but I am no quitter so I was going to stay the storm and try my best, as I had always told myself regardless of the situation. As a man you can formulate in your mind what you are going to do, when you are going to do it and HOW you are going to do it but when you have a two year old thrown into the mix it dissipates those ideals like summer cumulous clouds in the sky of Maine hanging over a cookout, and everybody knows how quickly the weather changes there! I quickly found myself in over my head and had no one to turn to because my relationship with my birth Mother left alot to be desired so going back to her and admitting that I had made the mistake that she predicted some thirty-three months earlier when she told me that a child would be conceived from the “fun” that me and his teenage Mother at the time were having was absolutely out of the window. So here I sat, on Easter morning 1992, watching my son run around the house, hopped up on super-sweet candy from his Easter Basket as I sipped on a Crazy Horse Malt Liquor forty-ounce. I had no money, as I had spent my last $5.39 the night before on a jumbo Easter basket for him because I knew it would be only our second, but final Easter together.

How did I get here, well that was a hell of a journey in itself! In middle and high school I had issues with classmates that put me in my “Easter state of mind” plenty of time before. Whether it was being picked on for the tone of my skin being darker than other Blacks, speaking differently or more Proper than my classmates, wearing the same cheap black and white plaid bomber that another classmate also had, not being as gifted athletically in sports as the other males, enjoying playing a band instrument (GLEE wasnt cool in the 80‘s we were still nerds) and acting in plays, or the MOST used insult that I was short, there was always something that I was being picked on for. If it was cloudy I felt that somewhere that day in school I would catch the ire of someones anger because it was MY fault. So being picked on and made fun off became a daily occurrence for me and eventually it beat me down to the point of wanting to just end it. I considered it many times as teenager but i never followed thru with it although it stayed in the back of my mind everyday.

My child was conceived because I wanted something to love and honestly, I was scared of dogs. A good reason to bring a child into the world huh?  Well, even with that knowledge the Lord blessed me with my son and it was bliss watching him grow and learn and see that I was able to provide for him and protect him. That day in April mentioned above came after a layoff, when rent was due and there was nothing in the cabinets or refrigerator except rice and sardines. How long would that last? I decided I would read my son the last bedtime story I would ever read him, put him to bed, tuck him in and get in the tub and end it all. After doing all but the last chore, I went to the bathroom, ran the tub, grabbed a fresh razor blade from the medicine cabinet, closed the bathroom door and settled down into the hot water that I felt had become my life. I said a prayer for my child to be safe and I took the razor in my right hand as the sunlight gleamed off the ends of the finely sharpened tool and placed it to my left wrist, pressed down on that thick blue vein and was ready to cut. Instead of continuing the cut, I had a premonition of my son awakening and being the one to discover my body and how that image would be burned into his brain for the rest of his life. I couldn't do it! He didn't deserve that type of image into his little eyes and what type of man would I be to do that to him. Although the water was the hottest I had ever felt on my body, I was in chills when I pulled myself out of that tub! mission aborted for me but not the same for al of s that suffer bullying, depression or hard financial times.

My situation could have turned out the same as the other five gentlemen mentioned earlier....Mr. Clemnti, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Brown, Mr. Walsh & Mr. McKinley. I have read and listened to people ask how these men came to the crossroads that they did and took their own lives because of others and THEIR concern or bullying! It’s easy and it happens everyday to males AND females regardless of the age or socio-economic background. I write this because I have been one of those bullied, one of those reclusive as not to be in a position to be picked on or bullied, and one of those that may not have had the mental stability or strength to understand that the reason you pick on me or bully me is because you are just as unsure and lack the same self esteem that I do. Because I am a Yankee, Gay, Obese, Short, Physically Disabled, prescribed Ridalin or ay other medication that is helpful to me gives you no right to bully me and push me to the point of no return when it comes to whether I live or die mentally or physically. I just wish I had known that and felt that way back in 1992. Today, no one would know I have had those struggles or been thru the hallows of emotions that I have but I know that I am not alone. More of us that have endured these struggles need to step up so that we can help the people that are traveling the same emotional roads that we have. That road has no detour but one and we need to help those that feel the detour is the only way out!

Feel free to contact ZMII at zmorganII@gmail.com or twitter @zmorganII